Here I am again, having finally managed to log in to WordPress! I am also now the mother of four little ones, and the proud mother of brand new son, Reuben Elliot. At the moment, I feel very much like I have acheived everything I ever wanted. There’s an odd bittersweetness about that.
When you have all you want at 30 – what then? Well, I shall certainly enjoy raising these little lives, and the past two weeks have been a glimpse into a hectic but fun future.
I fear I am perhaps going to have to deal with a bout of Post natal Depression – I certainly feel a familiar need to want to hide away, and I’ve been persistently tearful for the past few days. It does tend to happen around this time of year with me normally, though. My mother died 7 years ago at the beginning of April, and the first stirrings of Spring always brings with it a melancholy yearning for my mother.
Being a new mother again just makes that more likely. Over time, it’s become less about the flesh and blood woman who was my mother, I’ve noticed. Mum was a normal woman – a popular, kind lady who was very well thought of and had a funeral that was so well attended it was standing room only. She and I had a fraught relationship at times, but it seems so far away now that I struggle to clearly recall her face without the help of pictures.
There was a time when I was deeply fearful of being like this about her, but now it’s happened, of course, I am content that it’s just the way life moves on.
No, it’s not really that I miss Mum so much anymore – it’s that I miss having a Mother. I feel very alone right now – which is a little silly, really. I have a great husband, and my faith in Christ is still strong. But not having a mother really makes me feel empty in a way I can’t explain, and I can’t really see an answer to it either.
Don’t know if that emptyness ever goes away – I lost my Mum 11 years ago this month and I still, like you, feel that lack of a Mum – often much more that I miss the person who was my physical mum. One of my dd’s friends at church has “adopted” me as her mum – and the first time she ran up to me and said “hello mum!” – I almost cried because I felt the need to be able to do the same… Holding you and your little brood in my prayers.
Love
Scotty
x
Praying for comfort for you, sweetheart. God can be your Mother as much as He is your Father…I often think of the Holy Spirit (Wisdom) as female, if that helps at all.
Good to see you back